


Why I can't stay

by chillmisha



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-30
Packaged: 2018-03-25 13:24:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3812134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chillmisha/pseuds/chillmisha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a spell works to rid Dean of the Mark of Cain, he finally confesses his feelings for Castiel, but is it too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Jesus Christ...." Sam. That has to be Sam's voice..Where are we? "Dean..You did it. It's gone. The spell worked." Dean looked up, his vision was blurred and spotty but he could still make out Sam kneeling in front of him, holding his face in his shaking hands. Dean could feel his adrenaline pumping but he also felt overwhelmingly weak as he struggled to stay awake. "Dean can you hear me? Th-" Sams words drain from Deans hearing as his previous words echo in Deans ears. The mark's gone? As Dean looked down toward his arm, he could see the blade on the ground, close to him, covered in blood. Before he has a chance to lift his shirt past his wrist, his eyes lock with the blade, and he can't seem to look away. He can't see anything else, he barely even hears Sam shouting his name in front of him; he only moves when Sam reaches over and takes the blade. "You're gonna be okay, Dean." is all that Sam manages before leaving the room, face now messy and covered in tears sweat and blood. Whose blood is that? And what the hell was that? Before Dean can begin to imagine what happened here, he remembers the mark. He rolls up the plaid long sleeve he has on to find bare wrist. "What th.." Dean manages. Its gone. It's really gone. He smiles; really smiles, for the first time in months. The last time he felt this happy he was in the bunker with Sam, Charlie and Cas. Deans smile fades. "Shit. Cas." For the first time in what felt like hours, Dean looks up to his surroundings. Some house, looks as if it was lived in by a wealthy family, but it's torn apart now, and Dean can see two bodies lying limp in the next room.. but it's only Dean here now, since Sam left, to the impala, he assumes, a few minutes ago. He struggled to his feet, and pulls his phone out of his pocket. He finds Castiels name and dials. "Dean," Cas answers, sounding out of breathe. "Cas," Dean almost laughs. "Hi, Cas" he's smiling again now. "Dean, Sam told me everything. You did it. I always believed in you and you did it Dean, I-" Cas stops. He hears a muffled noise, like a groan on Cas's side of the phone. "Are you okay, Dean?" Cas finishes. "yes, yes I am, I'm okay. I'm great Cas, because I realized it all. We can have our life now, I mean you me and Sam and Charlie and Claire.. but I mean, you and me Cas. We can take a break, you know, and maybe go to a beach? Put our feet in the sand and we can-" Dean hears Cas laugh, or try to laugh. "I love you too, Dean." Dean smiles, or more accurately, keeps smiling. "Cas, where are you? I need to see you." Dean blurts out. "Dean, I-I don't...The voice says.." he hears Cas sigh. "I'm almost out of time, Dean." Cas sounds serious, but Dean guesses he's talking about his phone, making Dean smile wider. "Okay, on your cellphone you mean?" Dean asks. "Something like that. Dean I need to tell you...I hear your prayers. I do. Every single one, and I'm sorry I don't always answer but I always listen, I've always been there for you...Watching over.." Cas says, quietly. "I know Cas..I'll see you soon okay?" Dean says. "Yes Dean, see you then." Cas almost whispers. "Cas?" "yes, Dean?" "I love you." Dean blurts out, almost surprising himself. "I love you too, Dean." 

Cas hit the end button on his call with Dean. He wished he had talked to Dean longer, and he could've, but he was right, he is almost out of time..his hand wandered down to the wound from the angel blade that had cut him deep enough to be slowly draining his grace. Castiel, being too weak to heal himself, realized it was bad this time, and he was lucky to have made it this far, when 4 or so angels, who had met Castiel to talk had no real intentions of talking. He laid in a puddle of blood, mainly from himself. Good thing he got to talk to Dean before he died, Cas thought, and smiled as he remembered their words. I love you. I love you too. It was real this time, and it wasn't too late. Yes, Cas was going to die, but Dean didn't say that because he knew that, he said it because he meant it, and Cas couldn't of asked for anything more, except maybe more time. Cas laid onto his back, clutching his phone in his hand, letting himself go, before his vision faded to black. "I love you too."


	2. Chapter 2

Dean waited about three hours before he knew something wasn't right. Cas had some of his grace, he should be able to come back instantly...So where the hell is he? "Sam? Have you heard from Cas?" Dean asked. "Last I heard he was going to ask some Angels about a cure in Mississippi, I'm pretty sure, but he knows the mark is gone so he should be back soon, why what's up?" Sam asked. "Nothing, he just should've been back by now." Dean said, then went to his room to grab his phone and keys. Dean set off with the impala to find Castiel, an uneasy feeling settling in his stomach. 

He drove all night, not bothering to check into a motel. How could he sleep when he felt like this? Knowing that Castiel could be hurt right now? He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind, instead rememebering how good it felt to say 'I love you' to Castiel, and to hear him say it back. Dean felt more anxious as he crossed the country lines into Mississippi, but luckily Sam knew exactly where Castiels meeting was supposed to be; some warehouse just around the corner from where Dean was now. He was tired and needed to stretch desperately so he sped a bit to get to the warehouse. When Dean pulled up he didn't see anything suspicious, but he grabbed an angel blade from the trunk of the impala out of habit and headed for the doors. The steel doors swung open with a creak, unlocked. It was barely lit inside and the warehouse reeked like death, causing Dean to step back outside of the warehouse, covering his mouth. "Shit. Cas?" Dean ran to the impala to grab a flashlight, and sprinted back in. He saw bodies, four of them? No, five counting one in a trenchcoat. "Jesus...Cas?" Dean was somewhere between yelling and holding back sobs now. Castiel was on his side, so Dean rolled him onto his back. Dean touched Castiels face covered in blood, he was warm, still alive. Dean pulled Castiel up onto his lap as much as he could, holding him as close to him as possible. "Cas..." Dean started, tears already falling from his eyes. "Cas I need you to open your eyes. Please." Dean ran his hand through Castiels hair, hoping for any sign of reciprocation. Then he saw it. Castiels eyes blinked, his once blue crystal fading to a dull blue-grey. "Hi Cas." Dean said through tears, smiling. "I'm so happy you're alive..I'm gonna get you out of here okay? I love you, okay, it's going to be alright. We're gonna be fine." Castiel coughed up some blood, and managed, "Dean...my grace...it's gone. There's nothing left. I'm going to die." Dean whimpered, crying harder now. "I didn't...I didn't want you to see me like this, Dean..I'm sorry." Cas looked up into Deans eyes. Dean closed his eyes and gripped onto him. "I can't do this without you Castiel. I-I can't. I need you. I love you so mu-" Dean tried holding himself together, he really did, but the pain in Deans chest was unbearable, and he couldn't finish his sentence, crying too much now. "I love.." Castiel started. He closed his eyes and seemed to be fading away. "No, no, please Cas. Not yet please. Hey, hey, hey, look at me baby, please." Cas lifted his head a bit and dean kissed him softly, with enough passion to make Castiel make a noise in reply; or maybe that was the pain. The thought depressed Dean. Dean kissed Castiel because he had to while Cas was still breathing; because he couldn't bear the idea of Castiel dying without feeling his lips against his, even if it was just once. "I'll be watching over you," Castiel looked at Dean, "always." He couldn't reply. He couldn't move. Dean was frozen, holding his angel in his arms, slowly losing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do have a third chapter, should be posting it sometime this week! Thanks again for reading x


	3. Chapter 3

"I love you, Dean." were Castiels last words. Just thinking of it; of Castiel, dying in dean's arms, made Dean feel sick. He told Castiel he couldn't do this without him, and he meant it. 

When Dean got home he saw Sam, and instantly Sam knew, he didn't have to ask, but he did. "Dean..what happened?" Sam walked over to Dean where he was quietly standing, holding onto a chair to keep himself steady. "He's dead, Sammy." Dean looked up to meet Sam's gaze, and saw the expression of sympathy and sorrow. "I told him I loved him," Dean said, getting choked up, "he said he loves me too. We were going to have a life..We were goi-" Dean stopped. His brother hugged him and held him tight. "I'm so sorry, Dean. We're going to get through this." Dean wasn't so sure; hell, he was already planning what he would write on his note. 

Dean sat with his head in his hands, occasionally moving to wipe tears from his eyes and cheeks. He had his eyes shut, but all he could see was Castiel. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm sorry Cas." They lost people all the time, it was a part of the job, but this was the most painful and Dena couldn't face it. He was in his bedroom and Sam was downstairs, he refused to leave Dean alone in the bunker for longer than 20 minutes, only leaving to get Dean and him some food. Not like Dean was hungry anyway. But Sam didn't know that Dean had a pistol with him in his room. Dean felt the worst for Sam, because he lost a friend, and now he would lose his brother. Dean desperately wished there was another way, but living in this condition, constantly torn apart inside and reminded of how he let Castiel die, was worse than dying. How ironic, Dean thought, that after all that fighting against the mark to survive, he was sitting here holding a pistol. 

"I'll always watch over you." Was he watching now? Dean begged Castiel to look away, as he held the revolver up to his temple and pulled the trigger. 

"I can't breathe without him  
I can't sleep  
it's too fucking painful.  
I get it now, you know  
how dad felt after mom  
he would rather hurt us than himself  
and I guess that's the difference between me and him  
that's why I'm here holding a gun  
and that's why I can't stay" 

on the backside of the crumpled, bloody paper it read,

"you told me yours  
but I never told you mine  
my biggest regret will always be  
that I didn't get you out of this  
fucking life earlier  
I can never apologize enough for that but Sammy  
you have to know  
I'm proud of you  
I'm sorry  
I love you Sammy  
I'm so sorry"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading & sorry it was so dark; planning on writing a cute fluffy teenage!destiel fic soon. x


End file.
